Broke That Little Bottle

Fandom: The Man from U.N.C.L.E.

Pairing: Napoleon Solo/Illya Kuryakin



Word Count:

Summary: Just a moment in a mission.

Table/Prompt: Inspired by Music Table Prompt: Shopkeeper, give me color to make my cheeks red, so that I can make the young men love me, against their will ~Carmina Burana and the LJ group Network_Command’s Seven Deadly Sins: Lust


Napoleon turned away from the observation window, his expression grim. “What did they do to him?”

Dr. Simone shook his head, “It’s a new drug, we believe it was meant to make the victim pliable, suggestible, easy to control perhaps. Instead it has caused this,” he gestured at the window, on the other side an agent flung himself at the padded walls, repeatedly.

“Are we certain that it was a mistake, perhaps they were trying to incite madness, incapacitate a target and discredit them?” Illya asked.

“The drug attacks the pleasure center of the brain, driving the individual to seek constant stimulus, an overwhelming desire for whatever it is they find most pleasing.”

“So, it’s what, making him beat himself to death because that feels good?” Napoleon wouldn’t look at the padded room again.

“He cannot harm himself, he’d do more harm to himself trying to get out of restraints, and he isn’t doing harm to himself at the moment, we are monitoring him closely. And to answer your question, the drug makes the victim seek whatever gives them pleasure at that moment, if a man were given a dose of this drug while he was hungry, he’d seek food he enjoyed to the exclusion of all else, likely he’d eat until he was ill, possibly eat until he killed himself choking on it. This drug shuts down the part of the brain that regulates our normal ability to control ourselves.”

“Can you turn it back on?”

“We hope so.”

“So he is just going to keep screaming and throwing himself at the door to be let out?” Illya finally turned away as well, the plight of his fellow agent growing more horrible the more they learned about the new THRUSH drug.

“We are trying to determine if chemically induced sleep will harm him. The problem with mixing our drugs with THRUSH’s is that we are never certain if they will interact poorly or not.”

“So what was Hawkins wanting when he was dosed?”

Dr. Simone flipped a switch that allowed them to hear what the drugged agent wanted so much that he was willing to throw himself at the walls in an effort to get it.

“Claudia, come in here, please, I love you, I need you, please, I need you so much, let me out, I need Claudia, give me Claudia…”

The doctor shut the sound off again.


“What’s more terrible than diabolical, Illya?”

“Monstrous, maybe.”

Alexander Waverly entered as they were debating the terminology, handing them dossiers and seating himself at the table. “I’d agree with monstrous, which only begins to describe this new THRUSH scheme. As you will see when you read the file, THRUSH is planning to release this substance on the unsuspecting public. They want to see if they can manipulate their victims into giving them what they want in return for promising to give the victims what they suddenly need.”

“How did we acquire this information, is it reliable?”

“Yes, Mr. Solo, we can trust this information, unfortunately. THRUSH bought out a certain company in order to use them as a front. Actually, we are fairly certain that they engineered the bankruptcy this company experienced in order to get their hands on it.”

Illya had opened the file and had been reading, “Luxuria Perfumery and Cosmetics?”

“That’s the one, yes.”

“We’ll have to move fast, good thing it’s a local company.”

“I’d like a plan of action this afternoon, Mr. Solo.”


“Oh, dear god Illya, that smells terrible.”

“Pretend you have a cold.”

“If I had a cold, I wouldn’t be able to smell it.”

“Which must be why it’s so useful for congestion, as soon as you can smell it, you know you are better.”

“That doesn’t even make sense.”

“Just stick this in your nose and remember not to breath through your mouth.”

Napoleon took the mentholated rub from his partner and tried not to make a face as he applied it to his nose. “Tell be dis will work.”

“Napoleon, it will work. The ingredients in the cold rebedy will… Oh, now you have me doing it. Blockhead.” Illya took the jar and capped it, threw it in the glove box and opened the car door. “The stuff in our noses will keep the aerosol drug from affecting us, as long as we don’t breathe it in through our mouths, unless you want to put some on your tongue?”

“Oh, ew, Illya, bite your tongue.”

Illya rolled his eyes.


“Splendid work, gentlemen. We have all the samples and antidote, notes and test results, not to mention an entire flock of THRUSH apprehended. You did a fine job. And since you didn’t have to destroy the lab, the Luxuria company will be returned to its rightful owners. I’d say this was entirely successful.” Alexander Waverly looked pleased, a rarity.

“Thank you, sir. But what about Hawkins?”

“The antidote was administered as soon as you brought it in, Mr. Solo. He is already showing signs of recovery.”

“That’s good, very good.”

Waverly sniffed, “Do you gentlemen have colds? Should you be reporting to Medical?”

“No sir, we’ve taken preventative measures.”

“Very well, Mr. Kuryakin. I believe the two of you have a long weekend coming to you, have the report to my secretary by lunch and you may go on your way.”

“Thank you, sir.”


“I’m never going to smell anything again except this blasted menthol, am I?”

“You’d rather die of Lust Potion Number Nine, Napoleon?”

Napoleon just put his head in his hands while Illya laughed.

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